Alone..

I feel completely alone. My daughter is going through some serious (life changing) things right now. I want to be comforted by the one person in this world that understands how I feel. Instead he is playing gooogliey with his vile whore. How do I exercise him from my heart? I don't even have the time to deal with all the feelings right now with Chris because Abby and what she is going through is the very most important thing I should be dealing with. I realize that. I still feel alone.

Remains

This video really expresses a lot of my feelings.

Not the Man..

How cliché. I realize the man I married and loved for almost half my life isn't who I thought he was.

The man I loved doesn't exists. In one quick whack I lost my husband and my best friend.

He says he loves me but willfully causes me pain.  Thats not love.  To just keep breaking my heart.  I can't take it anymore.

I am sitting here 36 years old and I don't know who the fuck I am.  I guess its time to figure it out.

waking up...

I come here to write and realize its been since before July that I wrote anything here.. Much  of that time was waiting for my trip to visit my sister. The kids and I went away for 20 days in August.  I was looking forward to it as a way to clear my head.  To come to term to the end of the marriage.  

It was quiet the first few days. Then he broke up with her and then he decided he missed me.  That he as so upset adn depressed and was in a dark place.. blah blah blah..   It sounded like he was ready.  Ready to at least attempt to see if WE were fixable.  I got my hopes up. I was stupid.

I got home. Thought everything was going great and then a week after my return I realized he gotten back with her and was letting me thinking we were all set.  It burned

Not only did i see horrible pictures that they shared between each other he texted her pictures of the kids. MY KIDS.  to Her.. he was sharing MY children with HER.  It made me sick. (you think the nasty naked pictures they sent back and forth of each other would have done it but no he involved our children in his middle life crisis.

i kept trying to get him to talk and I have been trying now for three weeks. I am beyond pissed.    I was so close to being able to remove Chris's hold on me.  Ready to realize they we were over and he decided to mess with me.  It really in insulting and boarderline abusive that he wont' communicate on this matter with me.

i am tired and I just want to wake up ,,,

Hello 4am.

This can't healthy.   This has got to end. I want to give Chris one more chance to work this out like a grown man.

He is going to have a fun day tomorrow (well today) He got tickets to the big race tomorrow.   So I will lay off it till tomorrow night.  

I can hear the birds outside.   Its almost morning for them.  There is only a part of me left that wishes I could get it all back.  The hope I had for a happy resolution is slowly fading.  I don't like this man that was willing to cause me so much pain and did nothing to make me feel better.

I should have to bed to keep him and I deserve better then this.. Better then him.  He had someone who was willing to forgive everything and instead he is walking away.  

I don't understand :a late night ramble

What is he trying to do?   Honestly  If someone didn't know better and they saw Chris and I you would have no idea on the state of our relationship.   

We still function as a family unit.  Part of me wonders if he wants to keep the 'family' but no deal with me spouse.  Its confusing because they are all tied together.   Its late I promised myself I could go to bed before 2am.  

I do think he has broken me though.   I had such fight in me a few months ago.  Now I don't even think he is what I was fighting for.  

I can't stay this way much longer. If money was no object we would not be living under the same roof. I don't feel respected.  

I realized I haven't checked to see if he is still communicating with her.  I imagine he is but now I don't have the heart to check. I am not  hateful person but I truly hate this woman. I realize Chris is completely responsible for what happened but still this woman is evil. I believe it completely.   She manipulated Chris. All the times he tried to pull away from her she would draw him back in. He is responsible for that but that doesn't mean I don't see the sick twisted woman this person is.   

I actually tried to put aside my hate and get to know her a bit but the deep I got all I saw was darkness.  No one can say I didn't try to be the better person. I even had lunch with the woman.  

I wonder if her husband has any idea?  Would he care? 

sigh.  I am realizing day by day that he isn't who i thought I married. Who I thought i was having my children with.  He never was.  I morn someone who never was. 

Moving forward

Trying to think of ways to get find my direction.  I need to realize as a friend told me a few months ago that he isn't going to be there for me as he was in the past.  I can't use him to lean on me.  So I guess regardless of his inability to communicate with me I am going to have to move forward.

I think I wills start by reading this book.

I have no choice but to move on. I can't stay on pause.  Since he doesn't want to fix things. Doesn't want to be my husband anymore I need to move on.

cleaning out the cob webs

Another night I have not interest in sleeping. Its so quiet at night.  Its my time. The kids are asleep no one is going to call me. There is very little i would be expected to do at almost 2am so I can just be.  Today I sleep through far too much of the day.  It just felt good.  (sigh)    Its not what I really want. I just feel like I am treading water for months now.  I had times everything seemed in order.  When even the worse things that could happend didn't seem so bad. I just needed Chris to handle this on a much more reasonable level. Telling me you dont' want to be married anymore and then simply not talking about it is well cruel.

I wanted to be spending this time right now getting our lives in order. Preparing the kids.  Separating ourselves emotionally from each other.  We can't live apart right now (though I am feeling more and more like its something we need since he simply will not talk to me about it anymore). I thought we could find a balance. Perhaps build out damaged friendship and instead its getting damaged more and more every day but his inability to communicate with me.  

Father's Day all I heard was complaining from his about how much everyone other father got it better then him. We are in a bit of a financial hard spot right now so we could go out to dinner and he couldn't afford a fancy gift from himself. . I thought i did what was suppose to do. Encourage him to spend time with the kids (we all went on a hike)  and make sure both the kids had made something for him.  What more does one need on father's day. One a day I want nothing more then a hug from my father he complained about it not being what he wanted. Then plan what you want.  I don't understand why he keeps trying to make me

I did what It thought what I was suppose to do.  Honestly if I didn't think it was important that my kids have day to be able to honor their father i would ban father's day all together.  I miss my dad.  If he was still around I would have a place to go.  I am stuck in this house as I slowly get bitter.

I wanted a positive break up if that makes sense. i was willing to move past the pain and come to terms with my marriage.   He is delaying my complete grieving and its making it worse.  Dragging it out and bring me to a very dark place.  I don't know what i am suppose to do next.

its late and I didn't reread this that much so I am sure its full of mistakes, missing words (added words) all kinds of pennyisms I just don't care to go back and fix it

My State of Mind....

I am starting to come to the conclusion that my tiredness and inability to do anything may actually be depression. I was going to try and mention it to the doctor today.  I had Abby in the room with me and I really should see a  specialist.  Maybe thats not my problem maybe I am I am tired.   I have not been able to get out of my own way the last month.  I don't really know where to start to get help.  Well I know that just means I need to get out of my own way first LOL.

Embarrassed.

You would think making a grand big announcement to my family that I would have gotten through my embarrassment.  Issue is right now when they ask how things is are going I have to tell them "Chris is not talking to me about it at all"  Its like he is pretending we are a normal family and he didn't decide he doesn't want to be married anymore and that he didn't change is mind and wants to work on things.  I don't know what to do. Whats my next step? losing my dream of a good amicable divorce and push things along?

If he doesn't want to deal with it then what am I suppose to do?  Right now i want to sleep but I have so much I need to do.

On a completely random note  I finally see the "Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening" is about something completely more then a poem about a  man with his horse in a snowy woods.  Strange and deep.

I am going to try and post once a day even when its nothing new to 'report'  I am falling apart and need to put my life into order again.

Still nothing..

I sit here and have nothing further then I was a month before.  I have just gotten into a darker and darker place.  Why won't he deal with this?  I have done good things.  I enjoying the church I started to go to. Its the same kind of church I grew up in.  They are very nice there. I needed some place open and accepting. The Episcopal church does that for me.  The kids love it.  Girls Scouts with my daughter have been crazy.  They are almost done for the school year.  two more meetings.   I had a great time with my family memorial day weekend.  I also changed my name of facebook. Not that Chris even noticed or even cares..  (sigh) My life is so out of control.

If I didn't have to worry about the kids I would sleep all day.  I am so tried.  I feel like I crashing to ground and out of control.

oh you guys like my new look?  Blogger FINALLY updated there template editor.

Why?

Why am I not worth trying to fight to stay together.  So many people come to me and share when they were in a dark path I am on and were able to come back together but thats not an option for me. Chris does not want to work on this.  I am not worth it.  How do I say good bye to all my future hopes.

We are going to work and fix the house and it breaks my heart he didn't want to do it before.  The talk about fixing up the house confuses me and then when I realize we won't be in this house together in the future it crushes me.  It hurts me. I wanted to raise my children here.  Now they are going to lead diminished lives shuffled between two houses.

Jealousy

One of the most painful aspects in all this is that Chris decided to mix someone else into our lives.  Some one who he shares things with. Things he should be sharing with ME.  It pains me to no end to think of the amoral person he was willing to destroy his family for.

It so insane and so sad. I don't know if it would have been easier if he as with someone nice.  I care about Chris he deserves someone who is at least nice.  This isn't a case where they just happened to fall in love and they both just happened to be married. No she willfully and with joy in her heart decided to destroy mine and our children's lives and Chris let her do it.  I see her manipulate him. Now all I can do it watch the train wreak happen.

I think about her husband a lot.

I am told he is some horrible monster and that it ok that she cheats on him with no only Chris but with who ever she wants.   I have seen little bits of there relationship to know thats not true but its not my place.  He must know at least a little what going on but it doesn't make it ok.

I am not having a good day..

I think now that the dust has settled it has really hit me.  I am having one of my not wanted to function days.  I am so upset my body is hurting today. I am trying so hard to hold back the tears.   SO much wish I could close my eyes and having it all back the way it was. I look to Chris for some comfort for some answerers but I am realizing he has already given me everything he can. His answer. He doesn't want to be with me. That everything we had was not worth it.  

I need someone to tell me to suck it up and stop being a cry baby.  

Coming to terms that things are over..

This morning I had thoughts going through my head about Chris. Wondering how he was doing.  What I could do to encourage Chris to talk more.  I also had  thoughts wondering what I could do to fix things. Then I realized there was nothing to fix.  Its over done.  I tried everything I could to make Chris realize he was making a huge mistake. I was willing to forgive him for what he did and realized my fight was over. He doesn't want my forgiveness He doesn't want to be married anymore.  There is nothing to fight for.  When I gave Chris he time of calm I really had the feeling at times that Chris and I were going not only fix it but we would get stronger then ever.  TO deal that its not true and its over is really killing me.  I will have an expectation in my head and realize you know what I don't have the right to have that expectation. We are over the same 'rules' of being husband and wife not longer apply.

I am crying again. I put some of these feeling in boxes while I focused on trying to fix things.

My note in facebook today

I am not doing this to garner attention or to create drama. I need to make sure all the people I love and care about know what's going on because I don't have the energy to let everyone slowly letting everyone find out and say it over and over again.   I need support.  I don't want to turn into a broken record. 

Chris and I are in the processes of formally ending our marriage.   This is not something that I wanted at all.  I have tried everything to  prevent this from happening  I am very sad and upset over this. I hope people are not too hard on Chris over this.  He is going to need people to support and love him, too.  

Chris and I am going to remain living in the house for at least a few months maybe longer.  Financially, it just seems foolish to waste a bunch of money creating two households when the problem is not that we don't get a long. Chris and I are great friends.  It's also very import that we have a strong relationship to raise the amazing and wonderful children that we have.  

Thank you for taking the time to listen to me.  I am honestly not in the mood to talk about this right now. I just needed everyone to know whats going on.  This has been been a very hard last few months for, since the fall I have been pretending everything is okay and I am exhausted.  I am sure a lot of you think you have advice for us but all we really need right now is a lot or prayers. Chris and I are going to have to figure out what works for us.  It breaks  my heart to imagine how this is going to be for my children.  

I can't start to heal with out moving on..

I have been on pause for a month.   a little bit over a month  ago Chris's girl friend came up for a visit and they 'broke' up at the end. I dont' know Chris was moody.  Instead of me hounding him with getting out unfuture together I told him I would take some steps back to help him deal with his break up and give him time to think.. The only thing I ask if something changed (with him a slutface)  for him to tell me Thats it.. I knew our problems  are more then that. A part of me even thought that perhaps Chris was seeing what he was losing and was having second thoughts..  Yes I got my hope up again.  I want to stay married. I still do.

I noticed his activity with bitchslutskank face started up agian that they were calling talk txting right back up where they  used to. I confronted him over it and he pretty much said very little.  Said that he didnt' think anything had changed that they where 'friends'  I knew it wasn't going well but decided to try and step back. Mothers day was the big date I had used.

Well I ummm got into his gmail account tonight.. They are back together and Penny gets to look like the fool again.   We are going away as a family this weekend and I am still looking forward to it.

Part of me thinks if he keeps things like this away from me I will have a better weekend.. Well fuck you for not respecting me enough to tell me the truth.

My plan is to announce on facebook on Monday ( was going to do Sunday but I realized that its mothers day)

I will post what i write here.  I plan to call my mother in law and tell her before I do it.  It may seem a bit high drama to post a statement on facebook but honestly I don't want to answer a bunch of questions and deal with people slowly finding out..  This is the best way. I must start to move on..     I can't even face most people right now. I am such a loser and fail

I put an  note on chris's computer that he needs ot change his password and i am going to start making my steps to move on.

I am going to have to have some support in trying not to worry to much about Chris's emotional state.

Me I haven't moved at all..

I have nothing to report but Chris and I are in a short term truce.  He broke up with his girlfriend.  What does that mean.. Nothing i guess.. They still talk they still text.  I was under the impression that had completely stopped but a few days ago I was in the cellphone account and my heart broke all over again.

I thought I was doing the right thing putting my feelings under the rug for a few weeks to allow him to work on things.    I wanted to give a chance.  

Now right this very second i want to break something. smash it.

I have a little bit less then three weeks off from our 'truce' but it looks like Chris has already made his choice.

Not choosing me.  This very second I want him out of this house .. our of my life.. But when i see him tomorrow i will be a nice girl.

What if I got a little nuts and made his hard for his harlot?

Belonging....

I am a normally light hearted person. I am kind. I care a lot. Slightly obsessive but I know a kind person.  I don't fake it. I really do care for people. In my life I have spent most of it on the outside.  I never quite felt apart of anything.  Anything but my family.

When Chris came into my life I felt so lucky. Finally I have someone.  He didn't laugh at me. He didn't mock me.  My great fear growing up was that I would spend my life alone.  I now had a partner.  Someone who seemed to truly care about me. The day I got married was such a day of full joy. I had people remark how beautiful I looked and I know it was because I so happy. So happy I was getting the life I always wanted. I know belonged.  I was getting another family and the hope that Chris and I would have a chance to grown our own.

Today I sit here rejected. Realizing I never 'belonged' to my own life.  There is only two beautiful beings that truly love me.  A daughter I hope end up nothing like me and a son who is nothing sort of remarkable but I fear will live the same sad life I have.

All I ever wanted was to be happy. For years I thought I was.  So happy so Lucky now there is a part of me that wishes I never tried.

I quit my job.

In a few weeks my weekends will be free.  I have 90% of my weekends taken by working at target on the weekends. it was almost always 16 hours and almost always closing so I never really could do anything. Its the right choice.  The catalyst was Chris going away next weekend to be with HER.   That burns.  Work was very understanding.  I told the truth.  I can't work here anymore. My marriage is ending and I can't even work  next weekend (which I am schedule to work) because my husband is spending the weekend with his girlfriend.

All around is sucks.  The good thing is I get to have some family time.  I was turning into parent that only did the unfun stuff..  Picking up from school, tending to them after school, shopping doctors appointments and the like.   Chris was turning into the fun parent and honestly that is not fair.  

If something comes along this summer that works for the family this summer great. If not I will not be working till the Autumn.

I don't know what all this means but it makes me sad.

Respect...

I am really starting to feel that Chris has very little respect for me.  Yeah I can hear those few people who read this going dahh. He just simply stop talking to me about the bad stuff.  He is ether too tired, to stressed or too busy.  How is that fair.  How come he gets to keep being in the drivers seat.

I am slowly starting to get bitter over the whole thing. I was actually getting very 'grownup' about the whole. I met the bitch.  Tried to to broker a dialog between her and I but I imagine a home wrecker isn't a nice person.  Again I know.  I just thought if she was becoming an important part of Chris's life that I should get to know her.  This is after she manipulated herself back into Chris's life when he was actually caring enough to want to work on things.

Lost in Pause

One may wonder were I have gone the last few weeks...

I didnt go any where. Nothing has changed.. Chris is still not talking.. I havent even read the books i bought.. I am waiting around for him to be ready to talk and it hurts my heart. 

I am so sick of his relationship with  HER..    Every phone call, every txt every interaction breaks my heart.  Its not fair that he has all the power .  (On my phone)

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

I hate the crying I really wish it would stop. It hurts such much.  Sometimes I feel like I get hit by a ton of bricks when reality slaps me right in the face. I don't know what i am suppose to do. I just know "THIS" is not right.  


I keep thinking something is a certain way and then it hit me.. I am being delusional again.

Escaping

I have been 'busy' the last few days escaping in Dr Who and Torchwood episodes (most are online at Netflix)  I find I have been craving the escape.  I haven't really looked at the books I got last week. I peaked at the divorce handbook and it seems to have some really good information.  I think I needed a break. Chris still isn't talking to me.  Its all on me it looks like.  I guess maybe I should look into someone who can do counciling for the two of us. I think its important to deal with our bagage so we will be more equipped to deal with parenting our children.  I would hate to imagine Chris and I throwing things in each other faces that was far in the past.

I have a lot of support I am lucky I just don't know what to do.

At times I get scared...

I am so aware now when i hear people are getting a divore now.  The women seem to be dealing with some vile monsters.  I am so scared Chris is going to sprout horns and start going aganist what both the kids and I need.  My heart said he wouldnt ever hurt me this way too.  Time will tell...

Its the simple things.....

I got a new laptop.. It was the cheapest laptop that best buy had and I LOVE IT.  Its such a simple thing but its a great tool.   It not just a computer but a window to express myself and get support. Its a source for information.   I am so excited.  I had the same computer for 5 years .. Its so exciting.  :)  Its shinny and new.  This is going to be great.

Embarrassment

Yup I am embarrassed.

Embarrassed my husband didn't love me enough to work on things. That I failed so bad that he had no problem closing the door on our marriage and getting with someone else.

I embarrassed every time he tells how strong she is. How great she is. I am embarrassed he is wearing a stupid chain around his neck from her but would never (save the one week of our honeymoon wear his wedding ring for me.

I stood in front of all my family, friends and God and promised to be married for ever.   I failed.  How do I get over that.

Books

I have ordered the following books (they should come today)

The New Hampshire Divorce Handbook http://amzn.com/1893421015

The  Truth about Children and Divorce  http://amzn.com/0452287162

I plan to write reviews on both books.

Grounds for divorce in NH.

I will be filling for a "no-fault" divorce when the time comes. NH not only allowing for a no-fault they also allow filing for fault.  One of the reasons being adultery. 98% of divorces in the State of NH are 'no-fault'.  I just found that interesting. One may ask why I won't be filing with grounds (since i have one)  Its harder and its imporant for me to an amicable divorce.

This wasn't what I wanted ....

I am getting so frustrated with Chris. He is the one that decided our marriage is over. He is the one decided there was no way to fix it.  He is the one in a relationship with someone else.

I finally decided that I needed to move this process along.  It was looking to be that we would be in this weird limbo for ever. He was having his relationship while i was trying to be a supportive friend.  I was stuck.  The ties of marriage was turning into a prison.

I don't want my marriage to be over. I didn't decide to do this it was decided for me I just can't stay in pause.

Now Chris is acting like I kicked his puppy because I want to start talking about kids. Researching the process. I get he is in pain now. I respect its hard for him to realize it OVER but he is the one that ended it.  

((bangs head on piece of crap computer))

Oh and Chris you are welcome to read this if you find yourself here just realize i started this for ME. I am sorry if I say something that hurts you.  I love you.  I NEED to do this though.

So much information. I think I am going to burst..

• Court Battle Guns blazing fight.
• Mediation
• something called Collaborative Law
• Do It Your Self via online 

These are my options 

I assume we are towards the bottom. I like the online option. It fits with me but I also think I want to do it right.  So confused.  


Oh I did find out we will have to go to four hour of a seminar of the affects of divorce on children.  




some links i found. 


http://www.nhlawyer.net/


http://www.legalzoom.com/legal-divorce/divorce-overview.html

http://www.courts.state.nh.us/fdpp/divorce_with_minor.htm

http://www.nhcbha.org/cf/childrenfirst.cfm

Shared Time...

I spend much of the afternoon yesterday trying to figuring out 'custody' arrangements.  We are a bit off from living separate lives but I wanted to get a glimpse of my future.  It was just horrible. My kids should wake up in the same bed every day and have both their parents there if they need them.  We will be having both legal and physical shared custody 50/50.  I don't see ether of us a more important parent then the other.  It was just so sad. I X'ed out days of a calender and they all suck.  I need to read more.

This all just SUCKS

I cry over my pain. I cry over the pain my children will go through. Sometimes I just cry.  What makes it all so hard is I never had a chance to fix everything before it all fell to ground. The end was so out of my control. 

I don't love you Penny.. end of story.   Now he is in a new shiny relationship with someone else. He doesn't want me. End of story an investment of 15 years poof gone.   Its still so confusing to me.  

I can still remember getting married. I was so happy. I beamed.  It was such an amazing day and now i realize I was a fool.  

First Post..

eeek  This is scary.  I thought I should write down my thoughts dealing with my impending divorce (ouch that word is just icky) and figuring out how we co-parent our amazing children.  I will post more tomorrow.

Its just today I really realized its over.  Something I never wanted.