Parting is such sweet sorrow.

I hate the crying I really wish it would stop. It hurts such much.  Sometimes I feel like I get hit by a ton of bricks when reality slaps me right in the face. I don't know what i am suppose to do. I just know "THIS" is not right.  


I keep thinking something is a certain way and then it hit me.. I am being delusional again.

Escaping

I have been 'busy' the last few days escaping in Dr Who and Torchwood episodes (most are online at Netflix)  I find I have been craving the escape.  I haven't really looked at the books I got last week. I peaked at the divorce handbook and it seems to have some really good information.  I think I needed a break. Chris still isn't talking to me.  Its all on me it looks like.  I guess maybe I should look into someone who can do counciling for the two of us. I think its important to deal with our bagage so we will be more equipped to deal with parenting our children.  I would hate to imagine Chris and I throwing things in each other faces that was far in the past.

I have a lot of support I am lucky I just don't know what to do.

At times I get scared...

I am so aware now when i hear people are getting a divore now.  The women seem to be dealing with some vile monsters.  I am so scared Chris is going to sprout horns and start going aganist what both the kids and I need.  My heart said he wouldnt ever hurt me this way too.  Time will tell...

Its the simple things.....

I got a new laptop.. It was the cheapest laptop that best buy had and I LOVE IT.  Its such a simple thing but its a great tool.   It not just a computer but a window to express myself and get support. Its a source for information.   I am so excited.  I had the same computer for 5 years .. Its so exciting.  :)  Its shinny and new.  This is going to be great.

Embarrassment

Yup I am embarrassed.

Embarrassed my husband didn't love me enough to work on things. That I failed so bad that he had no problem closing the door on our marriage and getting with someone else.

I embarrassed every time he tells how strong she is. How great she is. I am embarrassed he is wearing a stupid chain around his neck from her but would never (save the one week of our honeymoon wear his wedding ring for me.

I stood in front of all my family, friends and God and promised to be married for ever.   I failed.  How do I get over that.

Books

I have ordered the following books (they should come today)

The New Hampshire Divorce Handbook http://amzn.com/1893421015

The  Truth about Children and Divorce  http://amzn.com/0452287162

I plan to write reviews on both books.

Grounds for divorce in NH.

I will be filling for a "no-fault" divorce when the time comes. NH not only allowing for a no-fault they also allow filing for fault.  One of the reasons being adultery. 98% of divorces in the State of NH are 'no-fault'.  I just found that interesting. One may ask why I won't be filing with grounds (since i have one)  Its harder and its imporant for me to an amicable divorce.

This wasn't what I wanted ....

I am getting so frustrated with Chris. He is the one that decided our marriage is over. He is the one decided there was no way to fix it.  He is the one in a relationship with someone else.

I finally decided that I needed to move this process along.  It was looking to be that we would be in this weird limbo for ever. He was having his relationship while i was trying to be a supportive friend.  I was stuck.  The ties of marriage was turning into a prison.

I don't want my marriage to be over. I didn't decide to do this it was decided for me I just can't stay in pause.

Now Chris is acting like I kicked his puppy because I want to start talking about kids. Researching the process. I get he is in pain now. I respect its hard for him to realize it OVER but he is the one that ended it.  

((bangs head on piece of crap computer))

Oh and Chris you are welcome to read this if you find yourself here just realize i started this for ME. I am sorry if I say something that hurts you.  I love you.  I NEED to do this though.

So much information. I think I am going to burst..

• Court Battle Guns blazing fight.
• Mediation
• something called Collaborative Law
• Do It Your Self via online 

These are my options 

I assume we are towards the bottom. I like the online option. It fits with me but I also think I want to do it right.  So confused.  


Oh I did find out we will have to go to four hour of a seminar of the affects of divorce on children.  




some links i found. 


http://www.nhlawyer.net/


http://www.legalzoom.com/legal-divorce/divorce-overview.html

http://www.courts.state.nh.us/fdpp/divorce_with_minor.htm

http://www.nhcbha.org/cf/childrenfirst.cfm

Shared Time...

I spend much of the afternoon yesterday trying to figuring out 'custody' arrangements.  We are a bit off from living separate lives but I wanted to get a glimpse of my future.  It was just horrible. My kids should wake up in the same bed every day and have both their parents there if they need them.  We will be having both legal and physical shared custody 50/50.  I don't see ether of us a more important parent then the other.  It was just so sad. I X'ed out days of a calender and they all suck.  I need to read more.

This all just SUCKS

I cry over my pain. I cry over the pain my children will go through. Sometimes I just cry.  What makes it all so hard is I never had a chance to fix everything before it all fell to ground. The end was so out of my control. 

I don't love you Penny.. end of story.   Now he is in a new shiny relationship with someone else. He doesn't want me. End of story an investment of 15 years poof gone.   Its still so confusing to me.  

I can still remember getting married. I was so happy. I beamed.  It was such an amazing day and now i realize I was a fool.  

First Post..

eeek  This is scary.  I thought I should write down my thoughts dealing with my impending divorce (ouch that word is just icky) and figuring out how we co-parent our amazing children.  I will post more tomorrow.

Its just today I really realized its over.  Something I never wanted.