Why?

Why am I not worth trying to fight to stay together.  So many people come to me and share when they were in a dark path I am on and were able to come back together but thats not an option for me. Chris does not want to work on this.  I am not worth it.  How do I say good bye to all my future hopes.

We are going to work and fix the house and it breaks my heart he didn't want to do it before.  The talk about fixing up the house confuses me and then when I realize we won't be in this house together in the future it crushes me.  It hurts me. I wanted to raise my children here.  Now they are going to lead diminished lives shuffled between two houses.

Jealousy

One of the most painful aspects in all this is that Chris decided to mix someone else into our lives.  Some one who he shares things with. Things he should be sharing with ME.  It pains me to no end to think of the amoral person he was willing to destroy his family for.

It so insane and so sad. I don't know if it would have been easier if he as with someone nice.  I care about Chris he deserves someone who is at least nice.  This isn't a case where they just happened to fall in love and they both just happened to be married. No she willfully and with joy in her heart decided to destroy mine and our children's lives and Chris let her do it.  I see her manipulate him. Now all I can do it watch the train wreak happen.

I think about her husband a lot.

I am told he is some horrible monster and that it ok that she cheats on him with no only Chris but with who ever she wants.   I have seen little bits of there relationship to know thats not true but its not my place.  He must know at least a little what going on but it doesn't make it ok.

I am not having a good day..

I think now that the dust has settled it has really hit me.  I am having one of my not wanted to function days.  I am so upset my body is hurting today. I am trying so hard to hold back the tears.   SO much wish I could close my eyes and having it all back the way it was. I look to Chris for some comfort for some answerers but I am realizing he has already given me everything he can. His answer. He doesn't want to be with me. That everything we had was not worth it.  

I need someone to tell me to suck it up and stop being a cry baby.  

Coming to terms that things are over..

This morning I had thoughts going through my head about Chris. Wondering how he was doing.  What I could do to encourage Chris to talk more.  I also had  thoughts wondering what I could do to fix things. Then I realized there was nothing to fix.  Its over done.  I tried everything I could to make Chris realize he was making a huge mistake. I was willing to forgive him for what he did and realized my fight was over. He doesn't want my forgiveness He doesn't want to be married anymore.  There is nothing to fight for.  When I gave Chris he time of calm I really had the feeling at times that Chris and I were going not only fix it but we would get stronger then ever.  TO deal that its not true and its over is really killing me.  I will have an expectation in my head and realize you know what I don't have the right to have that expectation. We are over the same 'rules' of being husband and wife not longer apply.

I am crying again. I put some of these feeling in boxes while I focused on trying to fix things.

My note in facebook today

I am not doing this to garner attention or to create drama. I need to make sure all the people I love and care about know what's going on because I don't have the energy to let everyone slowly letting everyone find out and say it over and over again.   I need support.  I don't want to turn into a broken record. 

Chris and I are in the processes of formally ending our marriage.   This is not something that I wanted at all.  I have tried everything to  prevent this from happening  I am very sad and upset over this. I hope people are not too hard on Chris over this.  He is going to need people to support and love him, too.  

Chris and I am going to remain living in the house for at least a few months maybe longer.  Financially, it just seems foolish to waste a bunch of money creating two households when the problem is not that we don't get a long. Chris and I are great friends.  It's also very import that we have a strong relationship to raise the amazing and wonderful children that we have.  

Thank you for taking the time to listen to me.  I am honestly not in the mood to talk about this right now. I just needed everyone to know whats going on.  This has been been a very hard last few months for, since the fall I have been pretending everything is okay and I am exhausted.  I am sure a lot of you think you have advice for us but all we really need right now is a lot or prayers. Chris and I are going to have to figure out what works for us.  It breaks  my heart to imagine how this is going to be for my children.  

I can't start to heal with out moving on..

I have been on pause for a month.   a little bit over a month  ago Chris's girl friend came up for a visit and they 'broke' up at the end. I dont' know Chris was moody.  Instead of me hounding him with getting out unfuture together I told him I would take some steps back to help him deal with his break up and give him time to think.. The only thing I ask if something changed (with him a slutface)  for him to tell me Thats it.. I knew our problems  are more then that. A part of me even thought that perhaps Chris was seeing what he was losing and was having second thoughts..  Yes I got my hope up again.  I want to stay married. I still do.

I noticed his activity with bitchslutskank face started up agian that they were calling talk txting right back up where they  used to. I confronted him over it and he pretty much said very little.  Said that he didnt' think anything had changed that they where 'friends'  I knew it wasn't going well but decided to try and step back. Mothers day was the big date I had used.

Well I ummm got into his gmail account tonight.. They are back together and Penny gets to look like the fool again.   We are going away as a family this weekend and I am still looking forward to it.

Part of me thinks if he keeps things like this away from me I will have a better weekend.. Well fuck you for not respecting me enough to tell me the truth.

My plan is to announce on facebook on Monday ( was going to do Sunday but I realized that its mothers day)

I will post what i write here.  I plan to call my mother in law and tell her before I do it.  It may seem a bit high drama to post a statement on facebook but honestly I don't want to answer a bunch of questions and deal with people slowly finding out..  This is the best way. I must start to move on..     I can't even face most people right now. I am such a loser and fail

I put an  note on chris's computer that he needs ot change his password and i am going to start making my steps to move on.

I am going to have to have some support in trying not to worry to much about Chris's emotional state.