Belonging....

I am a normally light hearted person. I am kind. I care a lot. Slightly obsessive but I know a kind person.  I don't fake it. I really do care for people. In my life I have spent most of it on the outside.  I never quite felt apart of anything.  Anything but my family.

When Chris came into my life I felt so lucky. Finally I have someone.  He didn't laugh at me. He didn't mock me.  My great fear growing up was that I would spend my life alone.  I now had a partner.  Someone who seemed to truly care about me. The day I got married was such a day of full joy. I had people remark how beautiful I looked and I know it was because I so happy. So happy I was getting the life I always wanted. I know belonged.  I was getting another family and the hope that Chris and I would have a chance to grown our own.

Today I sit here rejected. Realizing I never 'belonged' to my own life.  There is only two beautiful beings that truly love me.  A daughter I hope end up nothing like me and a son who is nothing sort of remarkable but I fear will live the same sad life I have.

All I ever wanted was to be happy. For years I thought I was.  So happy so Lucky now there is a part of me that wishes I never tried.

I quit my job.

In a few weeks my weekends will be free.  I have 90% of my weekends taken by working at target on the weekends. it was almost always 16 hours and almost always closing so I never really could do anything. Its the right choice.  The catalyst was Chris going away next weekend to be with HER.   That burns.  Work was very understanding.  I told the truth.  I can't work here anymore. My marriage is ending and I can't even work  next weekend (which I am schedule to work) because my husband is spending the weekend with his girlfriend.

All around is sucks.  The good thing is I get to have some family time.  I was turning into parent that only did the unfun stuff..  Picking up from school, tending to them after school, shopping doctors appointments and the like.   Chris was turning into the fun parent and honestly that is not fair.  

If something comes along this summer that works for the family this summer great. If not I will not be working till the Autumn.

I don't know what all this means but it makes me sad.

Respect...

I am really starting to feel that Chris has very little respect for me.  Yeah I can hear those few people who read this going dahh. He just simply stop talking to me about the bad stuff.  He is ether too tired, to stressed or too busy.  How is that fair.  How come he gets to keep being in the drivers seat.

I am slowly starting to get bitter over the whole thing. I was actually getting very 'grownup' about the whole. I met the bitch.  Tried to to broker a dialog between her and I but I imagine a home wrecker isn't a nice person.  Again I know.  I just thought if she was becoming an important part of Chris's life that I should get to know her.  This is after she manipulated herself back into Chris's life when he was actually caring enough to want to work on things.

Lost in Pause

One may wonder were I have gone the last few weeks...

I didnt go any where. Nothing has changed.. Chris is still not talking.. I havent even read the books i bought.. I am waiting around for him to be ready to talk and it hurts my heart. 

I am so sick of his relationship with  HER..    Every phone call, every txt every interaction breaks my heart.  Its not fair that he has all the power .  (On my phone)