Hello 4am.

This can't healthy.   This has got to end. I want to give Chris one more chance to work this out like a grown man.

He is going to have a fun day tomorrow (well today) He got tickets to the big race tomorrow.   So I will lay off it till tomorrow night.  

I can hear the birds outside.   Its almost morning for them.  There is only a part of me left that wishes I could get it all back.  The hope I had for a happy resolution is slowly fading.  I don't like this man that was willing to cause me so much pain and did nothing to make me feel better.

I should have to bed to keep him and I deserve better then this.. Better then him.  He had someone who was willing to forgive everything and instead he is walking away.  

I don't understand :a late night ramble

What is he trying to do?   Honestly  If someone didn't know better and they saw Chris and I you would have no idea on the state of our relationship.   

We still function as a family unit.  Part of me wonders if he wants to keep the 'family' but no deal with me spouse.  Its confusing because they are all tied together.   Its late I promised myself I could go to bed before 2am.  

I do think he has broken me though.   I had such fight in me a few months ago.  Now I don't even think he is what I was fighting for.  

I can't stay this way much longer. If money was no object we would not be living under the same roof. I don't feel respected.  

I realized I haven't checked to see if he is still communicating with her.  I imagine he is but now I don't have the heart to check. I am not  hateful person but I truly hate this woman. I realize Chris is completely responsible for what happened but still this woman is evil. I believe it completely.   She manipulated Chris. All the times he tried to pull away from her she would draw him back in. He is responsible for that but that doesn't mean I don't see the sick twisted woman this person is.   

I actually tried to put aside my hate and get to know her a bit but the deep I got all I saw was darkness.  No one can say I didn't try to be the better person. I even had lunch with the woman.  

I wonder if her husband has any idea?  Would he care? 

sigh.  I am realizing day by day that he isn't who i thought I married. Who I thought i was having my children with.  He never was.  I morn someone who never was. 

Moving forward

Trying to think of ways to get find my direction.  I need to realize as a friend told me a few months ago that he isn't going to be there for me as he was in the past.  I can't use him to lean on me.  So I guess regardless of his inability to communicate with me I am going to have to move forward.

I think I wills start by reading this book.

I have no choice but to move on. I can't stay on pause.  Since he doesn't want to fix things. Doesn't want to be my husband anymore I need to move on.

cleaning out the cob webs

Another night I have not interest in sleeping. Its so quiet at night.  Its my time. The kids are asleep no one is going to call me. There is very little i would be expected to do at almost 2am so I can just be.  Today I sleep through far too much of the day.  It just felt good.  (sigh)    Its not what I really want. I just feel like I am treading water for months now.  I had times everything seemed in order.  When even the worse things that could happend didn't seem so bad. I just needed Chris to handle this on a much more reasonable level. Telling me you dont' want to be married anymore and then simply not talking about it is well cruel.

I wanted to be spending this time right now getting our lives in order. Preparing the kids.  Separating ourselves emotionally from each other.  We can't live apart right now (though I am feeling more and more like its something we need since he simply will not talk to me about it anymore). I thought we could find a balance. Perhaps build out damaged friendship and instead its getting damaged more and more every day but his inability to communicate with me.  

Father's Day all I heard was complaining from his about how much everyone other father got it better then him. We are in a bit of a financial hard spot right now so we could go out to dinner and he couldn't afford a fancy gift from himself. . I thought i did what was suppose to do. Encourage him to spend time with the kids (we all went on a hike)  and make sure both the kids had made something for him.  What more does one need on father's day. One a day I want nothing more then a hug from my father he complained about it not being what he wanted. Then plan what you want.  I don't understand why he keeps trying to make me

I did what It thought what I was suppose to do.  Honestly if I didn't think it was important that my kids have day to be able to honor their father i would ban father's day all together.  I miss my dad.  If he was still around I would have a place to go.  I am stuck in this house as I slowly get bitter.

I wanted a positive break up if that makes sense. i was willing to move past the pain and come to terms with my marriage.   He is delaying my complete grieving and its making it worse.  Dragging it out and bring me to a very dark place.  I don't know what i am suppose to do next.

its late and I didn't reread this that much so I am sure its full of mistakes, missing words (added words) all kinds of pennyisms I just don't care to go back and fix it

My State of Mind....

I am starting to come to the conclusion that my tiredness and inability to do anything may actually be depression. I was going to try and mention it to the doctor today.  I had Abby in the room with me and I really should see a  specialist.  Maybe thats not my problem maybe I am I am tired.   I have not been able to get out of my own way the last month.  I don't really know where to start to get help.  Well I know that just means I need to get out of my own way first LOL.

Embarrassed.

You would think making a grand big announcement to my family that I would have gotten through my embarrassment.  Issue is right now when they ask how things is are going I have to tell them "Chris is not talking to me about it at all"  Its like he is pretending we are a normal family and he didn't decide he doesn't want to be married anymore and that he didn't change is mind and wants to work on things.  I don't know what to do. Whats my next step? losing my dream of a good amicable divorce and push things along?

If he doesn't want to deal with it then what am I suppose to do?  Right now i want to sleep but I have so much I need to do.

On a completely random note  I finally see the "Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening" is about something completely more then a poem about a  man with his horse in a snowy woods.  Strange and deep.

I am going to try and post once a day even when its nothing new to 'report'  I am falling apart and need to put my life into order again.

Still nothing..

I sit here and have nothing further then I was a month before.  I have just gotten into a darker and darker place.  Why won't he deal with this?  I have done good things.  I enjoying the church I started to go to. Its the same kind of church I grew up in.  They are very nice there. I needed some place open and accepting. The Episcopal church does that for me.  The kids love it.  Girls Scouts with my daughter have been crazy.  They are almost done for the school year.  two more meetings.   I had a great time with my family memorial day weekend.  I also changed my name of facebook. Not that Chris even noticed or even cares..  (sigh) My life is so out of control.

If I didn't have to worry about the kids I would sleep all day.  I am so tried.  I feel like I crashing to ground and out of control.

oh you guys like my new look?  Blogger FINALLY updated there template editor.