cleaning out the cob webs

Another night I have not interest in sleeping. Its so quiet at night.  Its my time. The kids are asleep no one is going to call me. There is very little i would be expected to do at almost 2am so I can just be.  Today I sleep through far too much of the day.  It just felt good.  (sigh)    Its not what I really want. I just feel like I am treading water for months now.  I had times everything seemed in order.  When even the worse things that could happend didn't seem so bad. I just needed Chris to handle this on a much more reasonable level. Telling me you dont' want to be married anymore and then simply not talking about it is well cruel.

I wanted to be spending this time right now getting our lives in order. Preparing the kids.  Separating ourselves emotionally from each other.  We can't live apart right now (though I am feeling more and more like its something we need since he simply will not talk to me about it anymore). I thought we could find a balance. Perhaps build out damaged friendship and instead its getting damaged more and more every day but his inability to communicate with me.  

Father's Day all I heard was complaining from his about how much everyone other father got it better then him. We are in a bit of a financial hard spot right now so we could go out to dinner and he couldn't afford a fancy gift from himself. . I thought i did what was suppose to do. Encourage him to spend time with the kids (we all went on a hike)  and make sure both the kids had made something for him.  What more does one need on father's day. One a day I want nothing more then a hug from my father he complained about it not being what he wanted. Then plan what you want.  I don't understand why he keeps trying to make me

I did what It thought what I was suppose to do.  Honestly if I didn't think it was important that my kids have day to be able to honor their father i would ban father's day all together.  I miss my dad.  If he was still around I would have a place to go.  I am stuck in this house as I slowly get bitter.

I wanted a positive break up if that makes sense. i was willing to move past the pain and come to terms with my marriage.   He is delaying my complete grieving and its making it worse.  Dragging it out and bring me to a very dark place.  I don't know what i am suppose to do next.

its late and I didn't reread this that much so I am sure its full of mistakes, missing words (added words) all kinds of pennyisms I just don't care to go back and fix it