Lost in Pause

One may wonder were I have gone the last few weeks...

I didnt go any where. Nothing has changed.. Chris is still not talking.. I havent even read the books i bought.. I am waiting around for him to be ready to talk and it hurts my heart. 

I am so sick of his relationship with  HER..    Every phone call, every txt every interaction breaks my heart.  Its not fair that he has all the power .  (On my phone)

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

I hate the crying I really wish it would stop. It hurts such much.  Sometimes I feel like I get hit by a ton of bricks when reality slaps me right in the face. I don't know what i am suppose to do. I just know "THIS" is not right.  


I keep thinking something is a certain way and then it hit me.. I am being delusional again.

Escaping

I have been 'busy' the last few days escaping in Dr Who and Torchwood episodes (most are online at Netflix)  I find I have been craving the escape.  I haven't really looked at the books I got last week. I peaked at the divorce handbook and it seems to have some really good information.  I think I needed a break. Chris still isn't talking to me.  Its all on me it looks like.  I guess maybe I should look into someone who can do counciling for the two of us. I think its important to deal with our bagage so we will be more equipped to deal with parenting our children.  I would hate to imagine Chris and I throwing things in each other faces that was far in the past.

I have a lot of support I am lucky I just don't know what to do.

At times I get scared...

I am so aware now when i hear people are getting a divore now.  The women seem to be dealing with some vile monsters.  I am so scared Chris is going to sprout horns and start going aganist what both the kids and I need.  My heart said he wouldnt ever hurt me this way too.  Time will tell...

Embarrassment

Yup I am embarrassed.

Embarrassed my husband didn't love me enough to work on things. That I failed so bad that he had no problem closing the door on our marriage and getting with someone else.

I embarrassed every time he tells how strong she is. How great she is. I am embarrassed he is wearing a stupid chain around his neck from her but would never (save the one week of our honeymoon wear his wedding ring for me.

I stood in front of all my family, friends and God and promised to be married for ever.   I failed.  How do I get over that.

This wasn't what I wanted ....

I am getting so frustrated with Chris. He is the one that decided our marriage is over. He is the one decided there was no way to fix it.  He is the one in a relationship with someone else.

I finally decided that I needed to move this process along.  It was looking to be that we would be in this weird limbo for ever. He was having his relationship while i was trying to be a supportive friend.  I was stuck.  The ties of marriage was turning into a prison.

I don't want my marriage to be over. I didn't decide to do this it was decided for me I just can't stay in pause.

Now Chris is acting like I kicked his puppy because I want to start talking about kids. Researching the process. I get he is in pain now. I respect its hard for him to realize it OVER but he is the one that ended it.  

((bangs head on piece of crap computer))

Oh and Chris you are welcome to read this if you find yourself here just realize i started this for ME. I am sorry if I say something that hurts you.  I love you.  I NEED to do this though.

This all just SUCKS

I cry over my pain. I cry over the pain my children will go through. Sometimes I just cry.  What makes it all so hard is I never had a chance to fix everything before it all fell to ground. The end was so out of my control. 

I don't love you Penny.. end of story.   Now he is in a new shiny relationship with someone else. He doesn't want me. End of story an investment of 15 years poof gone.   Its still so confusing to me.  

I can still remember getting married. I was so happy. I beamed.  It was such an amazing day and now i realize I was a fool.