I am a normally light hearted person. I am kind. I care a lot. Slightly obsessive but I know a kind person. I don't fake it. I really do care for people. In my life I have spent most of it on the outside. I never quite felt apart of anything. Anything but my family.
When Chris came into my life I felt so lucky. Finally I have someone. He didn't laugh at me. He didn't mock me. My great fear growing up was that I would spend my life alone. I now had a partner. Someone who seemed to truly care about me. The day I got married was such a day of full joy. I had people remark how beautiful I looked and I know it was because I so happy. So happy I was getting the life I always wanted. I know belonged. I was getting another family and the hope that Chris and I would have a chance to grown our own.
Today I sit here rejected. Realizing I never 'belonged' to my own life. There is only two beautiful beings that truly love me. A daughter I hope end up nothing like me and a son who is nothing sort of remarkable but I fear will live the same sad life I have.
All I ever wanted was to be happy. For years I thought I was. So happy so Lucky now there is a part of me that wishes I never tried.
I hear you sister. I won't bore you with the gory details, but I too pinned all my hopes of belonging, of being "normal", on a man. The jury is still out on that one.
ReplyDeleteDon't give up on yourself!