Alone..

I feel completely alone. My daughter is going through some serious (life changing) things right now. I want to be comforted by the one person in this world that understands how I feel. Instead he is playing gooogliey with his vile whore. How do I exercise him from my heart? I don't even have the time to deal with all the feelings right now with Chris because Abby and what she is going through is the very most important thing I should be dealing with. I realize that. I still feel alone.

Remains

This video really expresses a lot of my feelings.

Not the Man..

How cliché. I realize the man I married and loved for almost half my life isn't who I thought he was.

The man I loved doesn't exists. In one quick whack I lost my husband and my best friend.

He says he loves me but willfully causes me pain.  Thats not love.  To just keep breaking my heart.  I can't take it anymore.

I am sitting here 36 years old and I don't know who the fuck I am.  I guess its time to figure it out.

waking up...

I come here to write and realize its been since before July that I wrote anything here.. Much  of that time was waiting for my trip to visit my sister. The kids and I went away for 20 days in August.  I was looking forward to it as a way to clear my head.  To come to term to the end of the marriage.  

It was quiet the first few days. Then he broke up with her and then he decided he missed me.  That he as so upset adn depressed and was in a dark place.. blah blah blah..   It sounded like he was ready.  Ready to at least attempt to see if WE were fixable.  I got my hopes up. I was stupid.

I got home. Thought everything was going great and then a week after my return I realized he gotten back with her and was letting me thinking we were all set.  It burned

Not only did i see horrible pictures that they shared between each other he texted her pictures of the kids. MY KIDS.  to Her.. he was sharing MY children with HER.  It made me sick. (you think the nasty naked pictures they sent back and forth of each other would have done it but no he involved our children in his middle life crisis.

i kept trying to get him to talk and I have been trying now for three weeks. I am beyond pissed.    I was so close to being able to remove Chris's hold on me.  Ready to realize they we were over and he decided to mess with me.  It really in insulting and boarderline abusive that he wont' communicate on this matter with me.

i am tired and I just want to wake up ,,,

Hello 4am.

This can't healthy.   This has got to end. I want to give Chris one more chance to work this out like a grown man.

He is going to have a fun day tomorrow (well today) He got tickets to the big race tomorrow.   So I will lay off it till tomorrow night.  

I can hear the birds outside.   Its almost morning for them.  There is only a part of me left that wishes I could get it all back.  The hope I had for a happy resolution is slowly fading.  I don't like this man that was willing to cause me so much pain and did nothing to make me feel better.

I should have to bed to keep him and I deserve better then this.. Better then him.  He had someone who was willing to forgive everything and instead he is walking away.  

I don't understand :a late night ramble

What is he trying to do?   Honestly  If someone didn't know better and they saw Chris and I you would have no idea on the state of our relationship.   

We still function as a family unit.  Part of me wonders if he wants to keep the 'family' but no deal with me spouse.  Its confusing because they are all tied together.   Its late I promised myself I could go to bed before 2am.  

I do think he has broken me though.   I had such fight in me a few months ago.  Now I don't even think he is what I was fighting for.  

I can't stay this way much longer. If money was no object we would not be living under the same roof. I don't feel respected.  

I realized I haven't checked to see if he is still communicating with her.  I imagine he is but now I don't have the heart to check. I am not  hateful person but I truly hate this woman. I realize Chris is completely responsible for what happened but still this woman is evil. I believe it completely.   She manipulated Chris. All the times he tried to pull away from her she would draw him back in. He is responsible for that but that doesn't mean I don't see the sick twisted woman this person is.   

I actually tried to put aside my hate and get to know her a bit but the deep I got all I saw was darkness.  No one can say I didn't try to be the better person. I even had lunch with the woman.  

I wonder if her husband has any idea?  Would he care? 

sigh.  I am realizing day by day that he isn't who i thought I married. Who I thought i was having my children with.  He never was.  I morn someone who never was. 

Moving forward

Trying to think of ways to get find my direction.  I need to realize as a friend told me a few months ago that he isn't going to be there for me as he was in the past.  I can't use him to lean on me.  So I guess regardless of his inability to communicate with me I am going to have to move forward.

I think I wills start by reading this book.

I have no choice but to move on. I can't stay on pause.  Since he doesn't want to fix things. Doesn't want to be my husband anymore I need to move on.